I watched the first quarter of this week’s Monday Night Football game. Those fifteen minutes moved at an arthritic pace, equal to the borish syncopation of recent Academy Award ceremonies. The highly anticipated return of Peyton Manning to MNF drew millions of viewers anxious to witness the second coming of this generation’s most proficient passer. Manning’s first road game with his new team, the Denver Broncos, proved to be unceremonious and altogether uncomfortable to watch. Yes, Manning threw three interceptions in the first quarter and his team fell behind early. But, as I’m told, the visiting Broncos mounted a respectable comeback, yet still lost the game 27-20 to the upstart Atlanta Falcons. I went to bed early, fully convinced that sleep would be more titillating.

It may surprise some to know that Peyton is not running for President, though maybe he should. Aging quarterbacks reinvent themselves regularly in the NFL, but few have been held in higher esteem than this year’s transfer from Indianapolis. Ironically, as Monday’s game progressed, it wasn’t Peyton who drew all the attention, except for the ubiquitous squatters playing in the Falcon’s defensive secondary. Many fans were drawn to the underwhelming and comical presence of the NFL’s replacement refs. Fortunately for Peyton, someone else’s mistakes overshadowed his own.

As some of you know, the replacement referees are the NFL’s answer to a unionized squabble between the regular referees and the League, personified by Commissioner Roger Goodell.  We often refer to replacement workers as “scrubs.” Call them what you may, I find the drama quite entertaining. Though most of the scrubs are officials from Division III college football, some have officiated only on junior high and high school levels. I’ve known a few high school football officials and they are all hard-working, honest individuals who love the game and grieve over missed calls and imperfectly officiated games. There’s no reason to think that most of the NFL’s replacement officials don’t approach their part-time assignments the same way. But we’ve learned that in the age of Fantasy Football and labor disagreements, nothing is as real as it appears, even the presumption of unbiased officiating. The hope of immortal transcendence often attaches itself to the number of wins and loses achieved by our preferred franchise, or the performance of our fantasy team’s prized players. In the middle of a game, one replacement official chastised a starting quarterback. “Come on,” the ref vented, “I need you for my fantasy (team).” Referees are no exception to this mesmerizing product we call professional football and the larger-than-life personalities that excel at the game.

Like preschoolers roaming around the floor of the New York Stock Exchange, replacement officials have annoyed and exasperated the players, coaches and fans with a dubious grasp of the rules and inexplicable game-altering calls. The ferocious emotionalism of the game and the corresponding financial stakes are too high to be left in the hands of amateurs, we insist. But this is the very place where the clear-headed should intervene and deliver an unpopular but reasonable message. I am not naive enough to argue that the NFL is just a game. The growing cancer of greed and the hope of lucrative rookie contracts can be observed by reading the tweets of elite high school athletes looking for the surest path to the NFL. Is it really any wonder that seventy percent of NFL players file for bankruptcy within two years of retirement? At the excruciating pace of today’s game, replacement refs are only postponing the inevitable court dates for many of this year’s NFL retirees.

For the record, I’m a fan of the game. But football is not a competition that will uncover the cure for cancer, stabilize tensions in the Middle East or eradicate terrorist cells. If our favorite team squanders a lead due to the inept determination of a replacement official, no one will die, except the guy whose gambling debts have made him the subject of a hard target search. My favorite NFL team won last Monday night but may not fare so well this weekend. Under the near-sighted and uncoordinated supervision of this week’s replacement refs, who knows what might happen. I can only marvel at the product on the field and be grateful that the NCAA officials are not threatening to strike. Now that would be personal and catastrophic. Pardon me. Roger Goodell just called. Seems I’m needed on the field in San Diego this Sunday afternoon. Better go wash my black and whites. Go Falcons!!